A Jensen Muse Post

Healing After Divorce – First 30 Days

Day 7 – Identify What I Did Wrong

We all have a part to play in our divorce and putting all the blame on the other spouse keeps us from growing. We need to reflect on all our past mistakes, then identify a better response. Learning from our past ensures that our next marriage will be better. Here is a list of my mistakes and shortcomings I’m working on resolving

  1. Lack of confidence in myself and in my former wife
    • Manifests by being out of shape
    • Paralyzed by the fear of failure, so I don’t act and seize the opportunities before me
  2. Financial struggles
    • leaving the County and not having a good plan to support my family. I caused them a lot of pain and eventually claimed bankruptcy, we lost our dream home and used retirement savings to live off.
    • Thinking money would solve my marriage problems, if only I can earn all this money then our financial struggles would go away, and then I could be happy.
  3. Not happy on the inside
    • I still struggle with this. I looked for external things to make me happy such as money and my wife. Happiness is my responsibility.
  4. Fulfillment
    • I looked to my wife to fill my cup. When this stopped happening the emptiness void consumed me with anxiety. The proper response is to have Jesus fill my cup. I’m building my life on Him, not my wife.
  5. Expecting Love
    • Another difficult one. I would give service and not get anything positive in return. This is another case of wanting my needs to be filled by someone other than Jesus and myself.
  6. Not being first to apologize
    • This is a pride issue, been offended/hurt by my spouse, so I would give her the silent treatment or withholding something she wanted until she apologized. Much better is to approach her and describe my feelings, use communication, to resolve the issue. Note, this doesn’t always work but the approach is a good one, which applied over time, will produce positive results.

Day 8 – Endure Well

I need to accept my part in the divorce and I will be alone longer than I want while I work on repentance, forgiveness, growth, personal development and both physical and mental wellbeing. This work will take patience, faith and endurance.

  • To lighten my load I must learn to do as Peter did: “Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.” (Peter 5:7)
  • The cross comes before the crown
  • Enduring is more than waiting on the Lord, it is also being about my Father’s business
  • If it is fair, then it isn’t a trial
  • Exodus 14:13-14 “And Moses said unto the people, fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will shew to you to day: for the Egyptians shall see them again no more for ever. The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.”
  • If Thou Endure Well by Neal A. Maxwell, Dec 4, 1984

Day 105 – Guide Me To Thee

When Hopes are Crushed and Dead, when early joys are fled

One thing I have learned in my 54 years of life and trying to follow Jesus is this – Even when I lose, I win

I lost my wife to divorce and my parents to death and have lost those battles in life. But I’ve gained a few things from these experiences – that Jesus comforts me (John 14:18 – I won’t leave you comfortless). My anxiety is practically gone and I’m able to exercise. I’m able to sleep. My endurance is slowly coming back – in the past all I had the energy to do is exercise, work and sleep. I’m hoping to be able work on my hobby of building steam engines and playing pickleball and doing more church service.

Blame Game

I must apologize for the pain I’ve caused others and move on. Talk by Elder F. Burton Howard – Repentance, https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1991/04/repentance?lang=eng#title1

In a school yard game, young boys sometimes form a circle, and one hits another on the shoulder and says, ‘Pass it on.’ The one who receives the blow obediently transmits it to the next in line and says, ‘Pass it on.’ The third recipient promptly punches a fourth, and each in succession thereafter, by ‘passing it on,’ tries to rid himself of his pain, and the responsibility for it, by inflicting it on another.

Repentance by Elder F. Burton Howard, April 1991 General Conference

There are 3 choices – 1) stay in the circle and hope your pain is healed by hurting others, 2) stay in the circle and play the victum role – still getting punched – not punching others but still get hurt, or 3) the best alternative, apologize for the pain you did hurting others and leave the circle and move on!

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